Being Asexual can be really tough for some people and for others it’s no big deal. So why is that?
A lot of factors can come into play, from how you’re treated individually by your family, friends and acquaintances, teachers, authority figures, to society in general.
You may feel like you just don’t fit in, like you are an alien speaking another language, that something is broken within you, or missing, and that you are somehow less than other people and lacking in some way, but this simply isn’t true.
While you have every right to feel that way and you are definitely not alone as I have come across a number of asexuals who feel at least some of these things, if not all of them, I want you to know there is nothing missing, or broken, or wrong with you, because it’s how you were made, how you are wired, and it’s A OKAY to be wired differently to the majority.
Being a minority is not something to be feared but to be embraced, it means you are different and even more unique than others and that is a beautiful thing.
Life would be incredibly boring if we were all the same.
I know you may be worried about what other people think, but it doesn’t matter what they think, because whatever they say, it doesn’t stop you being asexual, it doesn’t change who you are, and their opinion of you is not more important that your own or who you truly are. They can’t change your sexuality, even if they disapprove of it or choose not to accept it, it’s actually their problem, not yours. You can’t control the actions of others. their thoughts, feelings and emotions, but you can choose how you react to them. So I would encourage you to respond with “your opinion of me, does not dictate my reality” and “my asexuality/sexuality is not up for debate”. Because it doesn’t whatever they say, you can’t help being you and you don’t need to apologise for who you are, nor do you have to feel you are not worthy of acceptance, love, care and respect, because you are, just as much as heterosexuals are or any sexuality is.
If you don’t have sex in a relationship, you have plenty of other qualities to offer, such as being kind, caring, thoughtful, considerate, loyal, intellectual, good conversationalist, creative, have shared interests etc, you genuinely care about the person and you love them for them who they are, not for their genitalia, you are good company and can be an amazing support to that person emotionally. It’s only people who value their relationship based on how much sex they are or or not having that would judge you as worthy of a relationship or not, based on if you have sex or not, as that’s their main criteria, in which case it’s going to be a shallow relationship if that is the main or only thing they care about, you have so much more to offer than sex. Having sex doesn’t make someone worthy of a relationship or not, lots of people have sex and cheat or get cheated on, or get divorced.
You are precious and your life is precious, no person in the world is worth more than yourself, we are all equally important people in life, and if someone does not accept you for who you are, that’s up to them, but please don’t allow them to make you feel any smaller and less than you are, because no one is better that you and their judgement is just that, their judgement and opinion, they don’t speak for everyone. And as you have probably realised, these people who judge people and can ‘t accept others for who they are, are reflecting their own sense of uncomfortabilities and insecurities onto you.
People fear what they don’t understand. They fear the unknown and they fear what they are not used to and even the concept of not experiencing sexual attraction is too much for some people to bare, as it wipes out a lot of what they were taught since birth. They don’t realise how they have been conditioned by society to believe that heterosexuality is the ‘normal” sexuality and that “everyone should be having sex to be happy and healthy” but as we know just because some people have sex, it doesn’t mean to say it makes them happy and a lot of unhealthy people have sex. This could be unhealthy in terms of lifestyle, environment, life choices, physicality, mindset, or other.
Having sex doesn’t make someone a happier or healthier person if they they don’t like it, don’t need it, and don’t want to do it, and an unhappy or healthy person can’t be changed to become happy or healthy just by having sex. A depressed person will quickly go back to being depressed after the high of sex has worn off.
My point is, it’s A OKAY to be you. It’s A OKAY to be different. And I would encourage you to embrace your difference as your beauty because it will help you feel more comfortable being your asexual self.
Always remember, you have as much right to be asexual as someone does to be heterosexual, pansexual, bisexual, homosexual, all sexualities are equally valid and no one should put themselves on a pedestal claiming their sexuality is the one to be. Everyone has the right to be proud of their own sexuality, and love it the most (I love being asexual more than any other sexuality I am not, because I enjoy being sex free and I like the fact I don’t like sex for me and I will shout it from the rooftops that being asexual is amazing as I love it so much, even though it makes dating and a potential relationship super difficult).
Always remember, no one has the right to dictate your own sexuality but you. You are in charge of your life no one else.
Growing up we tend to put authority figures on a pedestal and this inevitably makes it harder to accept ourselves later in life if authority figures disagree with our sexuality. But I want you to remember an authority figure’s opinion of you, is not more important than your own, and it’s not more important than you are. Their opinion of you does not change anything, it doesn’t stop you being asexual.
I would like you to practise not caring what other people or what authority figures think about you, because when you release the need to please these people; to fit in with their ideology, you will release yourself from the chains that have enslaved you for years and live a much more freeing and empowering life.
Life really is too short to be forced mentally and emotionally into an asexual hibernation, you are gorgeous, beautiful, and incredible, just for existing, everyone is valid, just for being – that’s actually the miracle of life, and you are a miracle, because you were born and you do exist. You just “be”, in your essence. The people who criticise you won’t care about you when you have gone, so why should you care about then while you’re alive? So please don’t, don’t allow these people to disturb your mental peace and inner happiness, they aren’t worth it, but you are.
Know this:
- If you’re an asexual who hates sex, you’re A OKAY.
- If you’re an asexual who hates romance, you’re A OKAY.
- If romantic scenes make you feel sick to watch and disgust you, you’re A OKAY.
- If sex scenes make you feel sick to watch and disgust you, you’re A OKAY.
- If you don’t understand sexual innuendo, you’re A OKAY.
- If you don’t feel any sexual attraction at all, you’re A OKAY.
- If you don’t feel any romantic attraction at all, you’re A OKAY.
- If you hate nudity and it makes you feel sick, you’re A OKAY.
- If you’re an asexual who doesn’t like to be touched at all, you’re A OKAY.
- If you don’t understand what the big deal is about sex, you’re A OKAY.
- If you’re a Grey Asexual who does experience sexual attraction, but only under limited, rare, or specific circumstances, or you experience it, but not enough to want to act on it, you’re A OKAY.
- If you’re an asexual who participates in sex and you like it as an activity to do, despite not experiencing sexual attraction, or not experiencing the “usual” sexual attraction, you’re A OKAY.
- Wherever you fall on the Asexual Spectrum, you’re A OKAY.
- Whatever your asexual likes or dislikes are, you’re A OKAY.
There are so many different types of asexuals with individual preferences, likes, dislikes, wants, and needs, and that’s okay, because you/we are all A OKAY.
I hope you can see now, just how vastly different and diverse the asexual community is but how our individuality is a good thing and something to embrace.
It’s better to embrace your asexual identity than resist it and discount or devalue yourself, because there are enough people in the world trying to invalidate others, without doing that to yourself. It’s up to you to validate yourself, and not rely on others to do this for you, otherwise your emotions are at the mercy of other people, and that’s not a stable situation to put yourself in, or be in.
Self-acceptance and self-love is a must for a truly ACE life where you feel A OKAY the majority of the time.
Was this article helpful? Let me know.
As always, stay ACE.
Sandra xx
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