Before I Begin

Before I go any further with this ‘how to come out as asexual’ post, let me tell you that you owe it to yourself and to be fair to others if you are in a relationship, to say that you are not into sex, but you do not have to say right away that you are asexual. You can just say things like I am not into sex.  I just don’t like  sex. I have never liked sex. I don’t associate sex with love. These explain how you feel, rather than use the term asexual which others may try to object to. No one can object to how you feel, because those feelings are yours and you own them, and no one has the right to take those away from you.

However, if you do want to come out as asexual, someone asked me how to come out as asexual to their boyfriend and others, here was my advice! Hope it helps!

How To Come Out As Asexual

Honesty is way better in the long-term for you to live your life as your authentic self, however, it is best you prepare for objections in advance and know not everyone may like what you have to say but to remain strong and adamant that you are asexual and be confident with it. Confidence is key.

Firstly, I would confide in a friend/s or family member/s who you believe would most likely take it well because they are open-minded – I would do this first so you can see their reaction and also hopefully they will understand your situation and you can get them on side so it gives that initial confidence boost! It is not guaranteed to work – but it helps if you have people who either back you up or just don’t mind about it. If you cannot get any support there and you need a confidence boost before telling others about it, go in Asexual Facebook groups or asexual online forums, so you can at least feel less alone and supported and have an outlet should things not go as planned or people continue to be negative – however, be sure to go with the mindset that there is nothing wrong in being asexual, that there are thousands of people on the planet who are – a recorded 1%, that is 1 in every 100 people you are likely to be asexual – that is a good fact to tell people too, to help them understand it is actually more common than they think! Then tell others in order of importance and urgency.

I came out to my parents first, I just told them in a confident and matter of fact way, that I think I am asexual and explained what it was, and by the second conversation they said it sounds like me, and are far more understanding now then they have ever been, about me, my personality, and my life! But the first friend I told was not good about it and said I just hadn’t met the right person yet. – So you can prepare to answer that question with something like, ‘yes, you are right, I just haven’t met the right asexual person yet!’ The reason this friend was adamant about me not being asexual, was in her opinion, I was always talking about guys and I explained that is because I liked them aesthetically and romantically. But not only that, I was under-confident about my asexuality back then and wishy-washy with it, and not strong and speaking with conviction, if I had been adamant, and confident, it would have helped tremendously, so remember to be the most confident you can possibly be!

In terms of your boyfriend – meet up with him in private and sit him down and explain to him about asexuality and what it is and how that impacts you and makes you feel. Explain how important he is to you and how much you love him and trust him and that you feel so comfortable with him that you wanted to tell him how you feel, that you would have liked to have shared this with him before, but did not know how to go about it and now feel more confident in saying. (It’s important to use feeling words and put the emphasis or you being responsible for your asexuality). Allow him time to ask questions, think, and come to terms with it. You can say, I realise this may be new to you but I want us to grow stronger and closer together through sharing this with you. Then take it from there. I hope that helps. I am also at http://www.youtube.com/asexualisemyasexuallife.

Also, asexuality.org has some great info.

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