Coming out as asexual is never an easy task, especially when it’s your parents you need to come out as asexual to. In this asexual article, I explain some of the ways you can come out as asexual to your parents.
But first things first. You should have no, I repeat absolutely no, expectations, when it comes to coming out as asexual. Whether you are coming out as asexual to your parents, or anyone else for that matter. In fact, when you come out as asexual to your parents, it’s better to expect they might:
- Not understand
- Be confused
- Be unaccepting
- Be in denial
- Think it’s a phase
- Try to negotiate your own (a)sexual identity
- Ask you to go and see a doctor, a therapist, or a phycologist
- Or get a hormone test. – It has been known to happen!
But nothing. I repeat nothing. Is wrong with you. It’s perfectly ‘normal’ for some people in this world to not experience any sexual attraction at all, or for some people to experience very little. Or for some people to have little interest in sexual activities. It happens. And that’s okay. You’re not broken. You don’t need fixing. It’s not a result of trauma. It’s just natural for you to be you. It’s natural to not want sex; you are asexual.
And when you speak to your parents you need to be:
- Confident in what you are talking about
- Proud to be asexual
- Have an attitude of your asexuality is non-negotiable
With all this in mind, here is how to come out as asexual to your parents:
You could do what I did, and phone your parents up, to come out as asexual. Tell them you have been researching about different sexual identities and your realise you are asexual. Explain what this means. You lack sexual attraction; you don’t look at someone and think, “I want sex with you”. And you just thought you should let them know.
What this does, is position you as having an intelligent approach to discovering your true asexual identity. Because you have ‘researched’ it and not just plucked it out of thin air.
For added asexual authenticity and believability, you can say you discovered thousands of people just like you (if you did, such as through www.asexuality.org) and that a recorded 1% of the population are asexual. Which means 1 in every 100 people you meet, are likely to be asexual. This gives a lot more realism to your asexual identity and brings it to life.
If your parents then try to disprove your asexual identity or don’t believe you, it’s not your job to negotiate this. There is no negotiation, you are asexual and that’s it. Not everyone will believe you straight away. You have no control over what other’s think, or how they react to it. You only have control over how you react to their reaction. So be sure to react to it in a my-asexual-identity-is-non-negotiable type of way. It’s not up for debate. You are just letting them know, because you love and care about them.
Another way to come out as asexual to your parents, would be to have an understanding and supportive friend with you when you tell them in person. Someone who knows you are asexual and who completely has your back. And do what I already said, but with a friend at your side instead. And instead of it being over the phone, it’s in person. Even better if this friend is asexual too – as they can’t deny asexuals exist, as there is living proof that someone else besides you, is asexual too. Or even someone from the LGBT+ community would be helpful, because their orientation is also a sexual orientation minority. There is strength in numbers. So play this strength card. Or it could be a supportive sibling, or another family member you are with when you tell them. Tell them you have something important to say, and you are a little scared about it, that’s why you have brought an asexual friend, sibling, (or other), with you. Tell them you love your parents very much, you have something you want them to know about you, and it would mean the world to you if they would give you a few minutes of their time to listen to you, as it’s very important. Then proceed to tell them in a confidence, calm manner, that you are asexual, and what that means for you. Explain the “A” in (A)sexual, means the absence of sexual attraction. So for me that means this …
If you want to add even more weight to what you are saying, you can say you are part of asexual groups and forums (if you are) and there are tons of asexuals – people just like you, out there. You can even point out all of the asexual YouTubers, bloggers, and articles that are about asexuals and asexuality. This is called an evidence stack. Stack the evidence of you being asexual and of asexuality being real, and it becomes harder for anyone to disbelieve it, or disprove it.
In the best case scenario, you won’t need to prove you are asexual, you parents will just accept it sounds like you. Which is what happened with me.
If you are scared about coming out as asexual, you could also get an article/blog post about asexuality and point it out to your parents and get them to read it, then say that’s who you are – asexual. Or gage their reaction to the article first, before you tell them.
The alternative way to come out as asexual to your parents:
The prequel step to coming out as asexual to your parents: If you feel very apprehensive about coming out to your parents as asexual, that’s only natural. Some parents may have worked out you are different by now, so you telling them you are asexual, may not surprise them at all. And you may be shocked by their it’s ‘no big deal’ response and attitude, especially if it has taken you months, weeks, and years, to muster up the courage to come out as asexual to your parents. But if you feel strong anxiety and you cannot muster up the courage to say you are asexual to your parents.
Try this instead: Tell your parents you are not interested in sex, it’s not your thing.
This type of response is a great one to use if your parents are asking you:
When are you getting a boyfriend/girlfriend/partner?
When are you going to give them grandchildren?
When are you getting married?
When are you going to settle down?
Or when you are prompted to respond to something about having sex.
Or when you have comments like she’s hot, he’s hot, and the person saying that is waiting for a reaction from you.
You can simply respond, “I’m not interested in that”. Or “I’m not interested in that, it’s not my thing”.
Before you move on to tell them you are asexual, which could be at a later date; in a matter of days, weeks, or months. Or if their reaction is positive, you can proceed straight away to tell them you are asexual. The sooner you tell them, the sooner you can get on with living your beautiful asexual life, as your beautiful asexual self, without having to hide who you truly are, or any part of gorgeous self. This is a much healthier way of living in the long-term, repressing these things is never a good idea. Especially if you want parents to know, but you are just scared. Also, the more people who came out as asexual to their parents, the more we can get asexuality recognition globally, and the more you will be helping your community in the fight for asexual visibility, and in helping children to know, they don’t have to have sex, in order to be loved.
Whatever you decide to do. Remember you are beautiful just as you are, and you always will be.
I hope this article helps you come out as asexual to your parents.
If you have any questions. Comment below.
As always.
Stay ACE
Sandra xx