In my Asexual Perspectives book, I say I will not date a heterosexual again as they all need sex in the end. But I did give it a go and dated a heterosexual guy for almost two who months, who said he could live without sex. I am no longer dating him or seeing him as he was no good for me in other ways.
Dating him was a very interesting experience from a personal asexuality point of view. Because it was the first time I had dated a heterosexual guy, whilst consciously being fully aware that I don’t experience sexual attraction, but I do have high arousal levels and exhibit some sexual behaviour in regards to passionate kissing.
I did date a heterosexual guy for a night in July 2014, and I found out I was asexual in March 2014, and at the end of the night he wanted me to be his girlfriend and as I did not like sex, he said it was okay, he would do that with other women – I was fuming mad about that!! I am definitely not a poly person and so this was a complete insult.
Back then I did not totally understand my Asexual identity. I was not so confident about it. And I was certainly never consciously aware that I had high arousal levels, that I had previously mistaken for sexual attraction in my past relationships and dating. At that point, I think I was still toying with the typical Grey A definition of experiencing sexual attraction but not enough to want to act on it. I thought this may be where I am at. But I began to realise it wasn’t, as I never had a thought in head that I want to have sex, with anyone. Not even my long-term ex of 8.5 years – even though we did have sex sometimes, I never actually thought “I want to have sex”.
It was very soon after this date in 2014, that I tried masturbation for the first time. I didn’t like it but I understood why some people do, and that it can become addictive. I also noticed around that same time, when I was in asexual forums and sex was being discussed, that my body would involuntarily get aroused and this really freaked me out, as I don’t like, want, or need sex ever, in my life, again.
Since that time and across my Asexual journey, I have realised that I can still get involuntarily aroused by the mention of the word sex, even though I am personally sex repulsed for me these days. I can get aroused from accidentally seeing some porn style pics on Twitter, when I detest porn and never go to look at that. And also I can get aroused just by thinking about passionate kissing, or just by thinking about the word ‘aroused’, with no one else involved but me. I don’t fantasize. I don’t need anyone to arouse me and I don’t need to touch myself to be aroused, I can just think about it and feel it almost instantly in my body.
So with this awakening, with all of the personal fears and boundaries I have conquered and with how explicitly I am now able to talk about sex, both online and offline, I actually realise that I like to express myself freely, in quite a sexual manner, when serious about a guy and in a relationship with him. The guy I was dating I was very serious about and even though we were not in an official relationship, we had discussed being in one in the future and acted far more serious than just dating. We kept seeing each other more and more. So splitting from dating him was tough, but he was no good for me in the end so I had to.
His past sexual life was not good, he was honest about this and in the beginning of me dating him, he regularly talked about sex in a – it was such an awesome thing to do way. So I said I did not believe if he kissed me that he could live without sex. So he said to try him and for a while of course I did not. But I realised that if I could not do that, there was no chance of me ever being in a relationship with him. So after speaking to one of my best girl friends about my worries and fears, one night I was so brave and decided to go for it. Prior to that he kept saying I was physically stronger than him, as my muscles were bigger than his and he goes to the gym!! I told him that if I did kiss him, then I wanted to be in total control of that, reminded him that whatever happened, I would not want sex, ever. So I ended up always being on top of him, passionately kissing him and doing all the work with my clothes on and he could relax, be aroused and enjoy himself immensely. He was not good at kissing when we started, but I am a good trainer and leader in that respect, so it did not take long to get that to be good.
So when I kissed passionately on top of him, I got highly aroused and made all of the noises like we were having sex, including the heavy breathing, which just happens naturally with me and I cannot help it. In fact my behaviour, with kissing him all over his chest and the way my body moved and was close to his, was sexual in behaviour, yet not once did I think I want sex with him. I kept asking myself would that ever change and that surely with this amount of arousal and sexual behaviour you should feel sexual attraction and want it. But I just didn’t. I just never could feel that way. Even though I loved snogging him and being free to express myself sexually in this way, kissing his chest and kissing and sucking his nipples, and sucking and kissing his earlobes, I concluded that I am 100% asexual and despite having high arousal levels and some sexual behaviour, I never experience sexual attraction. But my fear is that I am seen as too sexual in behaviour for some asexuals and not sexual enough to be in a long-term relationship with a heterosexual. I feel a bit trapped, like I am between a rock and a hard place, if you pardon the expression, with no way out, unless I happen to get a heteroromantic match whose Grey A areas are almost identical to my own. I like to keep my clothes on, so that is not sexual enough for some asexuals who love touching the naked body. Or as some would see it, sensual, but not sexual. Still, at least I am confident that I am not a demi-sexual and I am not a text book Grey A. In my Asexual Perspectives book I redefine Grey A to mean Grey Areas, so I mean a person is asexual, but has some sexual behaviour or things they like to do that are seen as sexual beyond masturbation – which some consider is sexual in behaviour. So when I say I am Grey A, this is what I mean, I don’t experience sexual attraction, but I am sexual in behaviour with passionate kissing, but still very much Asexual.
To find out more about what asexuals really think of Love, Life and Sex, shop for Asexual Perspectives 47 Asexual Stories on Amazon!