What it’s like dating when you are asexual! #asexuality #relationships #dating

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In September, I was featured in an Article on the Femedic website about what it’s like dating when you are asexual!

Here is the link to the full article https://thefemedic.com/sexual-health/what-like-dating-asexual/

Above is a video with me talking about it, that was a live stream recording!

I am really proud to be featured talking about asexuality dating. Since being a speaker at the UK Asexuality Conference, I am on the Asexuality.org (AVEN) Media and Speaker team, so very proud of that!

As always, stay ace

Sandra xx

Welcome To Asexualise.com Live and Launched Reloaded

Welcome to Asexualise.com. It’s ace to have you here and I hope you can grab yourself a cup of your favourite drink and a slice of your favourite cake, and get settled in to making this your new asexual home.

A lot has happened since I first published this blog post on April 12th 2016. Over 2 years ago! And today is 26th of August 2018.

Sandra Bellamy     

I was a speaker at the UK Asexuality Conference last month.

I have my own Asexualise clothing brand on Amazon here and my own Redbubble shop here.

And now I have a shop on here in which I have gathered the best asexual products on Amazon for you in one place. Mostly they are from Amazon USA as currently they have more asexual products, so if they don’t ship to you, you can buy a range of products from my Redbubble shop.

Last month I also launched https://www.asexualiseacademy.com which is the world’s first online training centre and school for asexuals and asexuality. And I have a free 9 part video training series on there in asexuality basics for beginners! Which explains what asexuality is and what the asexual spectrum and aromatic spectrum is! So go there now and sign up and you will be taken to the Course Library page where you enter your details again to get the course for free.

I created this site especially for you, to empower and enhance your asexual life. Jammed packed with asexual products, social media resources, blog, and more; with more to come, I hope you will enjoy your stay. Enjoy the shop and resources here. If there is anything I can help you with, or any suggestions you have, please don’t hesitate to reach out to me. Twitter http://www.twitter.com/acexualise or on my http://www.facebook.com/acexualise page or via the chat box on this site.


I aim to write more non-fiction books for asexuals in the future as well as in other niches. Writing is my hugest passion in life, although I have many others – including being quirky! And I love being asexual, it’s the best thing ever for me. I also plan to create paid for online training and coaching courses in the future; if you want more in-depth help with asexuality, such as increasing confidence and self-esteem, you will want to check those out when they appear on here. There will also be related courses too, such as “Power of One” How to supercharge your single life to feel happy and fulfilled forever. All of these are still yet to come, but they will be on my new www.asexualiseacademy.com

Remember you are ACE!

Sandra xx

What Is The Story Behind The Ace Cake Asexual Joke?

Are you feeling Asexy?

I recently saw a video that gave a different definition of asexy to my own. I define asexy as something that would usually be seen as sexy, but minus the sexual attraction – so if I was attracted to the guy, I might find him hot looking aesthetically or he might have a magnetic charm, but unlike sexuals, as an asexual, I would not want sex with him because I would not get the urge for that.

While I was searching the internet for how others define asexy, I came across a ‘playboy’ article in which David Jay – founder of www.asexuality.org answered the story behind why asexuals joke about cake. He was interviewed by Debra W. Soh, who is a sex writer and sexual neuroscientist at York University in Toronto. She has written for Harper’s, The Wall Street Journal, Scientific American, The Los Angeles Times, The Globe and Mail and many others. Follow her on Twitter: @debra_soh.

Story Behind The Ace Cake Asexual Joke Revealed

Here is her question and his answer:

“Can you explain the story behind how a slice of cake became a symbol of asexuality and what it means to the Ace community?”

“The moment when new people show up to the community has always been a little sacred for us; it’s when people realize that they’re not alone. Cake started as a symbol of welcome: Someone would join the community and post their story, and people would come in and post a little image of cake. Since then, it’s expanded, and has become a little like the rainbow, though these days the Ace flag gets used much more.”

And here is a link to the full article https://www.playboy.com/articles/david-jay-asexy It is on the playboy site – a magazine aimed at sexuals.

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Sacrifices Asexuals Make For Sexuals!

Yes, you did read right, Sacrifices Asexuals Make For Sexuals! Not the other way around. How many times have you heard, he, she, they, are making a huge sacrifice by being with you and abstaining from sex, because they care about you and love you? You should be grateful; thankful; look at what they are doing for you!!!

It’s not like their penis is going to drop off or their vagina is going to shrivel up if they don’t have partnered sex. There is always masturbation, which can be an art form in itself and challenging enough to get yourself good at. In fact, I have a gay friend at my current day job, who loves a lot of sex as a hobby, he has been single for years. He always says how he can give himself better sex than others can do for him. I have heard others say this too.

So what sacrifices do asexuals make for sexuals?

Whilever an asexual is in a relationship with a sexual, there is the constant worry or concern, if in a monogamous relationship, that their partner may cheat and have sex with someone else. Sexuals won’t usually have to worry about this with asexuals – lucky them!! However, this can be very anxiety inducing for asexuals, which is turn can reduce everyday happiness and pump up stress levels, having a negative impact on their body; emotional wellbeing; mindset; and can be soul crushing.

Trust can understandably be difficult for aexuals because of the risk of their sexual partner cheating, yet asexuals are somehow just ‘meant’ to trust them and are often considered as being unreasonable when they say they find it hard to trust. Trust is earnt, not a given, and shouldn’t just be expected.

If a sexual is giving up sex for an asexual, the asexual can feel guilty about it, or highly privileged and put their partner on a pedestal. This can lead to them accepting bad behaviour from a partner and abuse.

Asexuals can be starved of kisses, romance and affection. Some sexuals withhold kisses, romance, and affection, from their asexual partner, if they are not having sex. The sexual can feel frustrated that they are not getting the sex they want and as they often see kissing and affection as a prerequisite to sex, if they are not getting sex as an end result, they don’t see the point of why they should do that. This can be very controlling and emotionally manipulative for the asexual and in turn lead to unhappiness, tears and distance between each other. It is upsetting for the asexual because they still love their partner and still often need that closeness, just not the intercourse. An asexual may put up with this lack of romance, kissing and affection, because they love their partner so much. They are sacrificing their own happiness to be with a partner who they love, but who is not physically demonstrating they love them back.

Some asexuals will have sex with their partner to please them, even if they don’t really want to. This can feel like self-abuse and lead to psychological trauma, not to mention be physically anxiety inducing.

There is a higher risk of potential rape if they don’t want sex ever. Their partner may pounce on them – in this way they are risking their life to be with a sexual, as well as unexpected or unwanted pregnancy.

An asexual can be made to feel bad by a sexual if they don’t have sex, to coerce them into having it. They can be accused by their partner of not loving them and that can be so harmful and hurtful for the asexual. It can result in the asexual being emotionally blackmailed into sex, and constantly feel like they may lose their partner at any given moment if they don’t comply.

An asexual can feel deeply misunderstood by their sexual partner and lonely in the relationship with them, especially if the sexual refuses to understand, won’t try to learn about asexuality, or even entertain the notion of what it really means to be asexual. The sexual can keep putting pressure on the asexual to change, or keep saying they feel rejected, which in turn makes the asexual feel bad about themselves and can lower their confidence and self-esteem. Just because the asexual does not get the urge, want, or need to have sex with them, does not mean to say they do not love their partner, but when their partner associates sex with love, they are trapped in an endless cycle of a ‘loveless’ relationship, when both partners could love each other, just they express it different ways. But the sexual can’t see past the sex-love equation and the asexual can feel in despair and hopeless just for being asexual in orientation and being able to love without sex. Just like the sexual may feel frustrated for not getting the sex they want, the relationship can be equally frustrating for asexuals in this way, as they cannot understand why the sexual cannot just love them without sex. At the end of the day, if something happened to the sexual and they could not have sex for any reason, the asexual would still be with them.

If a sexual tells a monogamous asexual they can live without sex, there is always the potential risk they could change their mind at any point and this can be a constant worry for the asexual. And if this happens, the asexual is backed into a corner. If they don’t want their partner to have sex with anyone else, they are forced to choose to have sex to please their partner; compromise themselves sexually in some other way; put up with their partner constantly complaining and being unhappy about not getting enough sex – or they have to leave their partner, which many won’t do because of the strong emotional bond that they have formed or because they are married. OR their partner leaves them and they have wasted all that time and energy on someone who could not love them for who they are, while missing out on asexual love with another asexual.

So all in all, asexuals sacrifice so much to be with a sexual. That is it really worth all that hassle, pain and tears? I am sure from reading a lot of comments from asexuals in forums and groups, that the majority would prefer to be in a relationship with another asexual. With just a recorded 1% of the population being asexual, it means there is a higher chance of an asexual being with a sexual. If we had more asexuals coming out, I think more asexuals could have happier, healthier, and more loving relationships with other asexuals.

So if a sexual is reading this, you should be truly grateful, thankful, and appreciative of everything an asexual sacrifices for you. You gave up sex, look at what they are giving up for you! Look at the lifestyle and physical closeness they are potentially missing out on having with another asexual, just to be with you. Look at all the risks, worry, anxiety they can encounter, all the while they are loving you and being physically faithful to you! Look how much an asexual can love you for you without the sex. Just imagine how much happier they would potentially be with another asexual and what they are giving up for you!

 

Always stay ace and don’t forget to like Asexualise on Facebook! And check out Asexual apparel and accessories on www.redbubble.com/people/asexualise/shop 

Asexual Author: Asexuality And My Personal Asexual Story On Straight Up Gay Podcast!

My Personal Asexual Story On Straight Up Gay Podcast

Listen to my interview about Asexuality and my personal Asexual story on the Straight Up Gay Podcast – and no, I am not gay, I am a heteroromatic asexual – attracted to guys (hetero), I don’t want sex, love kissing and romance, but asexuality is tagged onto the LGBT+ QIA Acronym. Lesbian, Gay, Bi-sexual, Transgender, Queer or Questioning, Intersex, Asexual. Although Asexuality is about who you are not sexually attracted to – no one, whereas the other identities are based on who you are sexually attracted to. Which is why I find it a bit strange we are part of the same community, as we have different thinking. I understand that we are all in the minority, but our orientations are based around different types of attraction. What do you think about this?

Here is the link to iTunes
https://itunes.apple.com/us/podcast/the-straight-up-gay-podcast/id1191090742?mt=2&i=1000391267315

If you haven’t grabbed yourself a copy of my Asexual Perspectives 47 Asexual Stories book on Amazon, it is an insightful read, so be sure to check it out and shop now!! http://amzn.to/2gKnsDs

In broad terms Asexuality is the lack of sexual attraction, but what does this actually mean for those who identify with this sexual orientation? And what do asexuals really think of love, life and sex?

Whilst all asexuals have one thing in common – the lack of sexual attraction towards a specific person, we are all different in our likes, needs, wants and dislikes. This can make fitting into the asexual spectrum and finding a suitable relationship difficult.

Right now, there are a number of myths about asexuality and stereotypes – even within the asexual community, about what asexuals do and do not like, should and should not do, and these need to be addressed and broken through!

If you identify as asexual do you –

Struggle to have a voice in this sexualized world?
Feel alone?
Misunderstood?
Misplaced?
Broken?
Left out?
Not recognised?
Have no one to relate to?
Find it difficult to find others like you?
Feel like everyone is speaking a foreign language where sex is concerned?

Or are you unsure of your identity and sometimes get confused and you want to know what asexuals really think of Love, Life and Sex, and what experiences they have had or are having; and how they manage their relationships? If so, then look no further than this book. In this book you will discover asexuals who feel just like you.

In this book I will reveal my own asexual perspective and personal story as well as perspectives from 46 asexuals around the globe; dispelling myths and breaking stereotypes; sharing their own personal journey to help you in yours and with a surprising over-riding message!

In this book you will:

•Learn the asexual perspectives of Aromantics; Heteroromantics; Homoromantics; Panromantics; Grey Aces; Demi-sexual; Biromantic; Agender; Transgender; Polyamorous and many more.

•Uncover Asexuals’ deepest fears, concerns and worries about being asexual.

•Find out possible reasons why, in general, society does not accept asexuality as a sexual orientation in its own right and what we can do about this to change the world!

•Discover what asexuals really believe are the differences between sexual attraction, sexual desire and arousal.

•Find out what asexuals really think of nudity; porn; masturbation; BDSM and kinks.

•Discover what it feels like to have sex as an asexual and how to cope with the sexualized world that we live in.

•Find out what asexuals think about living together, about marriage and about having kids.

•Discover what an ideal asexual relationship would look like and whether asexuals believe a relationship with a sexual would be fair or not.

•Uncover the positives about being asexual.

•Find out what advice asexuals would give to a younger version of themselves regarding asexuality and what advice they would give to others who are just discovering they may be asexual.

I feel truly blessed that all interviewees have been willing to open up and share their most intimate moments, thoughts, feelings and emotions with you. What you are about to read is unique, amazing, interesting, sometimes candidly humorous, fascinating and insightful. This is their story, now it’s their time to tell it.

Heteroromantic, Author Sandra Bellamy is the founder of www.asexualise.com, with products, resources and services for asexuals. She sees herself as an ambassador for asexuality and is on a mission to get asexuality recognised as a sexual orientation in its own right throughout the globe so that no asexual has to live in fear of ridicule ever again. By purchasing this book you will gain a deeper understanding of this often misunderstood sexual orientation and help to spread awareness of asexuality at the same time. We may be small in numbers, but we can still make a huge difference to the world at large and celebrate our diversity.

LOOKING FOR ASEXUAL MERCHANDISE? CLICK HERE TO BE TAKEN TO MY SHOP

Asexual Perspectives
Asexual Perspectives: 47 Asexual Stories: Love, Life and Sex, ACElebration of Asexual Diversity.

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What It’s Really Like To Be An Asexual With Sexual Behaviour But No Sexual Attraction!

Asexual With Sexual Behaviour But No Sexual Attraction!

In my Asexual Perspectives book, I say I will not date a heterosexual again as they all need sex in the end. But I did give it a go and dated a heterosexual guy for almost two who months, who said he could live without sex. I am no longer dating him or seeing him as he was no good for me in other ways.

Dating him was a very interesting experience from a personal asexuality point of view. Because it was the first time I had dated a heterosexual guy, whilst consciously being fully aware that I don’t experience sexual attraction, but I do have high arousal levels and exhibit some sexual behaviour in regards to passionate kissing.

I did date a heterosexual guy for a night in July 2014, and I found out I was asexual in March 2014, and at the end of the night he wanted me to be his girlfriend and as I did not like sex, he said it was okay, he would do that with other women – I was fuming mad about that!! I am definitely not a poly person and so this was a complete insult.

Back then I did not totally understand my Asexual identity. I was not so confident about it. And I was certainly never consciously aware that I had high arousal levels, that I had previously mistaken for sexual attraction in my past relationships and dating. At that point, I think I was still toying with the typical Grey A definition of experiencing sexual attraction but not enough to want to act on it. I thought this may be where I am at. But I began to realise it wasn’t, as I never had a thought in head that I want to have sex, with anyone. Not even my long-term ex of 8.5 years – even though we did have sex sometimes, I never actually thought “I want to have sex”.

It was very soon after this date in 2014, that I tried masturbation for the first time. I didn’t like it but I understood why some people do, and that it can become addictive. I also noticed around that same time, when I was in asexual forums and sex was being discussed, that my body would involuntarily get aroused and this really freaked me out, as I don’t like, want, or need sex ever, in my life, again.

Since that time and across my Asexual journey, I have realised that I can still get involuntarily aroused by the mention of the word sex, even though I am personally sex repulsed for me these days. I can get aroused from accidentally seeing some porn style pics on Twitter, when I detest porn and never go to look at that. And also I can get aroused just by thinking about passionate kissing, or just by thinking about the word ‘aroused’, with no one else involved but me. I don’t fantasize. I don’t need anyone to arouse me and I don’t need to touch myself to be aroused, I can just think about it and feel it almost instantly in my body.

So with this awakening, with all of the personal fears and boundaries I have conquered and with how explicitly I am now able to talk about sex, both online and offline, I actually realise that I like to express myself freely, in quite a sexual manner, when serious about a guy and in a relationship with him. The guy I was dating I was very serious about and even though we were not in an official relationship, we had discussed being in one in the future and acted far more serious than just dating. We kept seeing each other more and more. So splitting from dating him was tough, but he was no good for me in the end so I had to.

His past sexual life was not good, he was honest about this and in the beginning of me dating him, he regularly talked about sex in a – it was such an awesome thing to do way. So I said I did not believe if he kissed me that he could live without sex. So he said to try him and for a while of course I did not. But I realised that if I could not do that, there was no chance of me ever being in a relationship with him. So after speaking to one of my best girl friends about my worries and fears, one night I was so brave and decided to go for it. Prior to that he kept saying I was physically stronger than him, as my muscles were bigger than his and he goes to the gym!! I told him that if I did kiss him, then I wanted to be in total control of that, reminded him that whatever happened, I would not want sex, ever. So I ended up always being on top of him, passionately kissing him and doing all the work with my clothes on and he could relax, be aroused and enjoy himself immensely. He was not good at kissing when we started, but I am a good trainer and leader in that respect, so it did not take long to get that to be good.

So when I kissed passionately on top of him, I got highly aroused and made all of the noises like we were having sex, including the heavy breathing, which just happens naturally with me and I cannot help it. In fact my behaviour, with kissing him all over his chest and the way my body moved and was close to his, was sexual in behaviour, yet not once did I think I want sex with him. I kept asking myself would that ever change and that surely with this amount of arousal and sexual behaviour you should feel sexual attraction and want it. But I just didn’t. I just never could feel that way. Even though I loved snogging him and being free to express myself sexually in this way, kissing his chest and kissing and sucking his nipples, and sucking and kissing his earlobes, I concluded that I am 100% asexual and despite having high arousal levels and some sexual behaviour, I never experience sexual attraction. But my fear is that I am seen as too sexual in behaviour for some asexuals and not sexual enough to be in a long-term relationship with a heterosexual. I feel a bit trapped, like I am between a rock and a hard place, if you pardon the expression, with no way out, unless I happen to get a heteroromantic match whose Grey A areas are almost identical to my own. I like to keep my clothes on, so that is not sexual enough for some asexuals who love touching the naked body. Or as some would see it, sensual, but not sexual. Still, at least I am confident that I am not a demi-sexual and I am not a text book Grey A. In my Asexual Perspectives book I redefine Grey A to mean Grey Areas, so I mean a person is asexual, but has some sexual behaviour or things they like to do that are seen as sexual beyond masturbation – which some consider is sexual in behaviour. So when I say I am Grey A, this is what I mean, I don’t experience sexual attraction, but I am sexual in behaviour with passionate kissing, but still very much Asexual.

To find out more about what asexuals really think of Love, Life and Sex, shop for Asexual Perspectives 47 Asexual Stories on Amazon!

 

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Asexual Perspectives Awareness Month Playlist #APAM

In case you missed any of my Asexual Perspectives Awareness Month videos in July – here is the playlist for the whole 31 videos in the series. You will not be disappointed, they are really insightful and helpful in understanding how others feel about asexuality and being able to relate your own experiences to them.

And it all started because I felt singled out in the asexual community, but now I feel very much central to asexuality and to my mission of getting asexuality recognised as a sexual orientation throughout the globe, so that no asexual has to live in fear of ridicule ever again.

Until next time, stay ace

Sandra xx

Feeling Singled Out In The Asexual Community? We Should Celebrate Our Diversity! #APAM

Did you miss this?? #APAM Video One in my Asexual Perspectives Awareness Month series – A new video out every day for 31 days!!

Don’t miss any more, SUBSCRIBE http://www.youtube.com/c/asexualisemyasexuallife 

Asexual Perspectives – Feeling Singled Out in the Asexual Community? We Should Celebrate Our Diversity!! #APAM When I was told by a member of Aven that I could not identify as a Heteroromantic Grey A, because I did not fit the ‘Grey A’ definition, I felt singled out. I had others private message me, that they were also told they could not identify themselves as they liked too. And that is what prompted me to write my Asexual Perspectives book, I thought we should be celebrating our diversity across the spectrum, not tearing each other apart. So in order to understand the huge spectrum of asexuals and the nature of asexuality more, and to bust through myths and stereotypes about asexuality, I thought we really need a book with a diverse range of asexuals all across the spectrum, to gain better understanding of the spectrum as a whole and celebrate our diversity!

SHOP FOR MY ASEXUAL PERSPECTIVES BOOK HERE http://amzn.to/2l8kppt

Sign up for FREE to my Asexualise Your Asexual Life – What’s happening? Free Bi-monthly newsletter. By clicking this link – http://eepurl.com/bC7su5.

Find Asexualise T Shirts on Amazon.com at http://amzn.to/1TZKvVM

Find Asexualise T Shirts, hoodies, leggings, skirts, duvet covers, phone and laptop cases, mugs, stickers, art and bags, at http://www.redbubble.com/people/asexualise..

FIND ME ON FACEBOOK
http://www.facebook.com/acexualise or http://www.facebook.com/acexualisedating
http://www.facebook.com/groups/acefriendsrus
FIND ME ON TWITTER – http://www.twitter.com/asexualise

PLEASE SUBSCRIBE http://www.youtube.com/c/asexualisemyasexuallife 

Official channel Asexualise Your Asexual Life: Empower And Enhance Your Asexual Life. Giving Asexuals a voice in the world. It is my mission to give asexuals a voice in the world; to empower other asexuals to be comfortable and confident with their asexuality; and to give insight into my colourful asexual life, to enable others to better understand their own and to know they are not alone. I want to educate others about asexuality, so that in the future, all asexuals can live in society happily.

I am Sandra Bellamy. I identify as a Heteroromantic, Grey A, Asexual (younger) Cougar, who personally does not like sex, marriage or kids. I run the Asexual Business, Gurus and Entrepreneurs group and Facebook, that is an open group exclusively for asexuals – putting business and asexuality firmly on the map together. I have a strong business side to my nature and a quirky teenager/ kid side.

ASEXUAL PERSPECTIVES Book Proof Arrives! #APAM

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Asexual Perspectives book

It took me a year to interview for Asexual Perspectives book and write it, in the Kindle version, and a further 6 months to get it into print. I was super excited to receive my proof copies of Asexual Perspectives book this week!!

In time for #APAM, ASEXUAL PERSPECTIVES AWARENESS MONTH which started on 1st July and goes on until 31st of July. Don’t forget for this special month there will be a new video every day for 31 days. Subscribe to Asexualise My Asexual Life at www.youtube.com/c/asexualisemyasexuallife and like www.facebook.com/acexualise  to join in the fun.

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